I know that it has been forever and a day since I had last posted a blog, but I have been living with my recovery, pregnant with my son, and finally enjoying life. Just when I think that life finally seems to be coming together perfectly, life takes another person down the same path that I had once walked.
I should be thankful that it didn’t take a life, but putting me through these emotions and this kind of stress of a loved one is not what I have hoped for. Somehow this drug has continued to leave imprints on my soul even after such devastation, hurt, and re-finding myself.
I guess I had thought that those bad feelings of what meth does to a family, friends, and your life had finally disappeared for myself and my loved ones.. I was wrong. It still seems to destroy my family. I keep telling myself that this again is a blessing in disguise but I am sick of seeing the people that I love and care about hurt and continue to make bad decisions because of the devils substance.
When are we ever going to overcome the war on drugs? When will the hurt stop? I wish that I could just help everyone overcome this, but that is impossible and I need to learn that everyone has to learn on their own, just as I did. It’s just too bad that they have to learn the hard way behind bars or in hospitals.
I haven’t wrote for awhile and there is many reasons for that. Life has been a crazy rollercoaster ride filled with excitement, sadness, confusion, hurt, loss, pain, and gain.
I found out on February 14th (Valentine’s Day) that I am having my first child. I am 11 weeks and four days today. I couldn’t be happier but it definitely is a life changer. The hardest part is when I was struggling through my addiction, I also was struggling through where my heart belongs, so I am unsure of who the father of my child is. This is not like a bad episode of Maury because I was in between relationships between two men that I hold very high in my life. Either way, I am happy to whomever the father is but I am really hoping for one other then the other.
At the same time, that man, went to jail for some awful charges but may just be a life saver. I do not agree with the charges because like me, he is an addict and needs help but not being thrown in jail. Jail helps nobody, especially when they are facing prison time with a baby on the way. I know with my entire heart, that he will make a great daddy. I just hope we can get this all behind us and move forward with our lives. No matter whom the father is, I am hoping to one day marry this man. I love him with my entire heart and wish that I never had broke our bound of trust by cheating and then getting pregnant. That is something that I will have to live with my entire life…is knowing that I hurt the man that I love with actions that I have never even dreamt of doing. It just about kills me everyday.
Even battling with addiction, I have been sober and haven’t had any temptation of using. I put my life in God’s hands. This baby is bigger then me and even more important then any drug could ever be. I kicked that habit immediately when I found out and made that life decision to let it go. I am so excited to be a mother, most importantly to build a life for myself and this miracle of life. My entire life, I thought I couldn’t have children and now that I do have this little life inside of me.. Well, nothing can even compare. Everything that I do in life from now on, is for him or her. My life, my addictions, my immature bullshit is all out the window and now it is time for me to follow my mothers footsteps and become at least half the mother that she is. It has showed me what is really important.
The funny thing is that all my using friends, well where are they now? None of them even bother to call. See how I am with the baby nor see how my love is while being locked up. Who would have known that not a single one of them was truly a friend at all. Just pathetic how I spent so much time with people and they faked a front and pretended to be my friend for simply one thing. I decided to erase all of them from my life and all the memories made to simply be what I am meant to be, a great mother to my child and hopefully someday be an amazing wife to the man who holds the key to my heart.
I love you babe and am missing you like you wouldn’t believe.
This sounds like this poem was especially made for me!! It is quite lovely!!
Photoshoot of one of my favorite orange tabby cat. Dessa is about 5-6 years old in this picture and still continutes to make me smile!
1. I hate writing or talking about myself. I am not quite sure if it is because I feel that I am not good enough or I simply have not succeeded in what and where I should be in my life at almost the age of 30.
2. I just turned 29 years young on December 20th
3. and I hate having a Christmas/Winter birthday because it always seems to storm when I plan any type of birthday gathering.
4. I have two brothers that I adore with all my heart and could never imagine life without them!
5. My parents are divorced and for that I am happy because the fighting was enough to make a person go insane but it did leave an impression on my heart and upon my unstable mind.
6. Both of my parents were alcoholics and drug users at some point
7. Leaving my brothers and I to search for a different place of belonging and acceptance.
8. I chose dance, friends, alcohol, boyfriends, and any other drugs I could get my hands on when i was not raising my brothers to be young men.
9. I want children of my own, Now!!
10. I am still struggling with my addictions every day of love, meth, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, and whatever else I can obsess over at the time. It will be a life long battle for me and I know I should probably seek some therapy for the things I have seen and been through but I barely have time for myself let alone, to talk to another human being =)
11. I am constantly being someone’s bitch..if it isn’t my boyfriends, it’s my mother, or my boyfriend’s friends, or my friends. I am so sick of it. I just want to do things for me and forget all of them but it seems like people these days can’t do anything for themselves and always expect for someone else to do it for them. How annoying!!
12. I am mentally unstable and probably the most insecure girl that I have ever met. I am not sure if it my “father issues” or if it is because I used to be a larger girl and was picked on for most of my childhood.
13. I grew up in Minnesota all of my life, but this is not where I want to end up to raise my family.
14. Because I hate the cold, I hate snow, and I hate being depressed because of the weather and the lack of no sunshine.
15. I am a photographer, artist, blogger, poet, interior designer, writer, or just someone whom is very familiar with their creative side.
17. I hope to one day be happy and in love!
19. I regret letting people go out of my life.
20. But I no longer let myself live in my past because I am too mentally wrecked as it is and to wish someday fill my voids with smiles, laughter, and relationships that last a lifetime. I am someone whom has big dreams, but I stop all of mine to just help somebody else and that is pausing my dreams and constantly making life difficult. I just simply need to learn to find what it is I am wanting and what I am looking for in life and how to get it and ignore the rest.
I hope you guys kind of got a idea of who I am and where I am coming from with this writing challenge. I hope to one day learn a bit more about you as well so feel free to introduce yourself so I can get the chance to know you as well. Thank you so much again and keep reading my blog! Merry X-mas and I hope you have a wonderful New Year as well.
I love this quote, it really makes me think of all the things I am going through right now. So much anxiety about finding a job, keeping my friendships, my debt, sobriety and struggling with my many addictions, making decisions that can be life changers. I just could use a life jacket already!!!